The Phone Call

"Your doctor will have the results in 3 to 5 business days".  This was the word given to me after my biopsy. Back to work I went. 3 to 5 business days can feel like forever when you are waiting to hear results that could change your life. I was determined to not let the waiting drive me crazy. By the grace of God the first 4 days of waiting wasn't hard at all, because there was a weekend and I knew the earliest I would get a result would be Monday. Monday March 25th though, that calm waiting went out the window. I went to work like everyday, but every time my cell phone rang I would jump out of my skin. My phone rarely rings, but for some reason it was on fire that day. My adrenalin would surge until I answered then I would calm back down to normal. John, my manager and Ivan another manager were among the small group of people who knew the results I was waiting on. Late morning my phone rang and this time as I answered it, I knew it was the call I had been waiting for. I stood up to go outside and realized there would be nowhere to sit. Just about that time Ivan was coming from his office and must have seen the panicked look on my face and told me to take the call in his office. Things got really strange. The second the doctor started to speak I could tell the news was not good, but how bad was it?  She explained the test results they had so far showed  I had four big words ending in carcinoma. I am not real sure when the deep breathing started, but in through the nose, out through the mouth was about all I could manage. Cancer, I for sure had breast cancer. The doctor went on to explain some things I barely heard, she kept saying she was sorry, and between my deep breathing I was telling her "it's okay". I had her repeat and spell the words that named my cancer so I could write them down. She encouraged me to call the oncologist and surgeon right away to make appointments and told me she would keep in touch as other tests came back. And just like that the call was done, probably less than 2 minutes. I sat in Ivan's office for awhile, my mind racing with to much to even be coherent I think. Ivan came into his office to check on me, I showed him the paper with the really big scary words ending in carcinoma and said something to the effect of "that's a scary name" his response was, "we can just call it paper clip". Paperclip, really????? That was the perfect word for it, I will explain later. So now what?? I have cancer.  I have decided that much worse then hearing you have cancer, is telling the people you love. My 2nd daughter works just 2 blocks from where I work, and works with a very close friend of mine. I knew they were both anxious to hear, and I needed to get out of my office for a few so I drove over there. It was a surreal conversation, but they handled it well, at least while I was there. On my way back to work I called my dad, then my mom. I felt remarkably okay at this point. Knowing that God is in control, and that He had a plan in this situation I really wasn't all that scared. I think if I was afraid of anything at this point, it was the unknown. I went back to work and somehow made it through the day, although I was very distracted. I knew right away that I was working in the perfect place to go through this. More on that another time. When I got home that night, I had the most difficult task ahead of me.  I had to tell my 9 and 11 year old boys. Up to this point I had not yet shed a tear, even as I explained to the boys in a open, honest yet keep it light way I was doing okay.  Ashleigh, my daughter was there and also holding it together well, until we realized that my 11 year old Gavin truly understood what I was saying. I cry now as I type this remembering the look on his face and his quiet tears. It was heartbreaking. We hugged, cried, prayed, talked and then the jokes started. I am so thankful that my family has such a great sense of humor.   

Well this blog entry was not a smooth one, it was difficult to write I think because it was just such a strange day. There are many things I look forward to sharing with you. Funny things, scary, difficult things. But I felt I needed to get this day out of the way. Please let me know if there are things you are curious about. I would love to answer your questions. 

I am going to start writing about some current happenings, like my upcoming meeting with my surgeon as well as some of the past that has got me this far, like my first appointment with my oncologist. ( I totally fell apart). I usually use a lot more humor, but have been in a bit of a funk the last few days so please pray for me as I endeavor to share my journey, and God's amazing love and grace through it. 

Until next time 

A LUMP? And so it begins

I am often asked the "how did you find it" question. The question has been asked in many different ways, so here it is....
I am now 42 years old. Somewhere around the age of 38 my doctor began to encourage me to get a mammogram.  I ignored her. At 40 she told me to do it, again I ignored her. I didn't ignore her purposefully, I just had " to much going on". I am not the type of person who doesn't go for test because I don't want to know, I believe the sooner you know, the better. I have also never been one for regular self exams. Maybe once or twice a year if I heard some Breast Cancer Awareness PSA or I heard of someone who was just diagnosed, but really.....NOT part of my normal routine.
It was in my morning shower some random day mid- February I felt IT!  I think I was just washing and felt a lump. A that point I did the "self exam" and sure enough, I had a lump about the size of my thumb. I am not one who sounds alarm bells right away, so in being true to who I am I figured.....nahhhh, just regular getting to be that time of the month lumpiness, I will check in a couple weeks and see if it is still there. I knew this felt different, so in a couple of weeks, I checked and of course my lump was still there, and I knew it felt different so I resolved to make my Doctor appointment.
Timing is EVERYTHING and our children always come first. About this time my 11 year old son got bit by a spider and to make a long, pretty disgusting story short, it got infected and I spent the next 2 and a half weeks taking him to the doctor every two days and not giving my "lump" a second thought.
I was still in the midst of bug bite infection hell, when a friend of mine and worship Pastor at my church was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma. My heart broke for him and his family, but then that small voice telling me to get my lump checked became a shout. I made my appointment.
My regular doctor was out on maternity leave, and so I had to see a stranger. She was very kind, and did everything right, but it wasn't Mary, she didn't understand my sense of humor, or even why I was making jokes but we got through the appointment. She didn't need me to tell her where my lump was, she found it within a second of starting the exam. I left the office that day with orders to set up a mammogram and diagnostic ultrasound ASAP. She gave me referrals for a surgeon and Oncologist "just in case".  I was told 7 to 10 days after my mammogram and ultrasound she would receive the results and give me a call. This time I did not ignore.
I made the appointments at the Temecula Breast Center for the following Wednesday.  I told just a couple of friends, my two bosses at work and my daughter Ashleigh. The only reason I told Ashleigh is because, I needed her to help with carpool. I wasn't worried, I didn't want other people to worry. We didn't know anything yet.
I had never had a mammogram before, and it really wasn't as bad as I had heard. Some strange things happened that day though. The nurse doing my test starts with the normal conversation of how they will send the results to my doc. Within the first 2 minutes of the test she tells me they have a radiologist on staff who would be going over some results with me before I left. Hmmmmm
Then on to the ultrasound. Lots of clicking and lots of measuring.....hmmmmmm. When the ultrasound was over I was told to leave my gown on and wait in the waiting area for the radiologist to look.  There were 2 other women waiting, one already changed and another like me in her gown. A few minutes later I see the nurses of the 3 of us walk into the radiologist with our "pictures" and notice the folder my nurse is holding is a different color. Hmmmmm.  In a strange and rapid pace the nurses went to the other two and released them with the instructions of " results will be sent to your doc" my nurse asked me to follow her back into the exam room. "Oh Crap".
"Oh Crap" truly is what I said. The radiologist came in and took some more pictures and more measurements. Then said to me. "We would normally schedule you to come back for a biopsy, but would like to do it this morning if you have the time".  
While I waited,I sent a text to some friends to be praying for me. God was with me and kept me calm and anxious for nothing.
About an hour and a half later I was on my way back to work.... Biopsy done, titanium marker placed, and another mammogram to get a picture of the marker. Long morning.
PSA. Get your regular check ups and do regular self exams. As a matter of fact, your done reading for now. Go check your breasts. ( if there are any male readers, go tell the women in your life to check their breasts).

Am I really doing this?

To blog or not to blog?  That has been the question for quite some time. When I was first diagnosed with cancer I thought blogging would be a good idea.  However, when I tried to set it up I didn't find it as easy as everyone said it would be. I decided to just keep more generic than I would in a blog, and kept people informed on Facebook. Then comes along my friend Jen who teamed up with her friend to create this beautiful blog spot place thing and left me with no excuse. I will write!  I don't enjoy writing, I am NOT good at it. Grammar and spelling are not in my wheel house, and I plan to use the word sardonic more often than you might think possible, just because.  I am coming into this blogging world at a strange place. I have finished chemo (praise God), but still have surgery and some other stuff to get through. I would say I am somewhere near the middle of the hard part of my cancer story. Of course that is based o the way I see from the here and now. I really have no idea of what God has in store for this journey and its length or twists and turns. I do KNOW that He has and will remain faithful through the whole trip.
The first time I opened the blog to see it and saw the words Morning by morning , the rest of that phrase , new mercies I see, went through my head. For those of you reading this that may not know, that comes from a beautiful hymn Great is Thy Faithfulness. I will share my " cancer" story as openly and transparent as I can in this blog. I will go back to the beginning of feeling the lump, and share the good, the bad, the ugly and the just plain bizarre.  But, what I will hope to convey through it all is how faithful God has been. I will explain how even though He allowed for cancer, He rolled out the red carpet in provision. This has not been an easy road so far, nor do I expect to get easy. What I do expect is for my God to continue showing me the many blessings and mercies that come along with trials and tribulations. For that part of this journey I am truly excited and thankful.
I am not sure if blogging allows for comment and feedback, but if it does please, ask questions. What do you most want to know?  It will make it easier for me to know where to start.