The Phone Call

"Your doctor will have the results in 3 to 5 business days".  This was the word given to me after my biopsy. Back to work I went. 3 to 5 business days can feel like forever when you are waiting to hear results that could change your life. I was determined to not let the waiting drive me crazy. By the grace of God the first 4 days of waiting wasn't hard at all, because there was a weekend and I knew the earliest I would get a result would be Monday. Monday March 25th though, that calm waiting went out the window. I went to work like everyday, but every time my cell phone rang I would jump out of my skin. My phone rarely rings, but for some reason it was on fire that day. My adrenalin would surge until I answered then I would calm back down to normal. John, my manager and Ivan another manager were among the small group of people who knew the results I was waiting on. Late morning my phone rang and this time as I answered it, I knew it was the call I had been waiting for. I stood up to go outside and realized there would be nowhere to sit. Just about that time Ivan was coming from his office and must have seen the panicked look on my face and told me to take the call in his office. Things got really strange. The second the doctor started to speak I could tell the news was not good, but how bad was it?  She explained the test results they had so far showed  I had four big words ending in carcinoma. I am not real sure when the deep breathing started, but in through the nose, out through the mouth was about all I could manage. Cancer, I for sure had breast cancer. The doctor went on to explain some things I barely heard, she kept saying she was sorry, and between my deep breathing I was telling her "it's okay". I had her repeat and spell the words that named my cancer so I could write them down. She encouraged me to call the oncologist and surgeon right away to make appointments and told me she would keep in touch as other tests came back. And just like that the call was done, probably less than 2 minutes. I sat in Ivan's office for awhile, my mind racing with to much to even be coherent I think. Ivan came into his office to check on me, I showed him the paper with the really big scary words ending in carcinoma and said something to the effect of "that's a scary name" his response was, "we can just call it paper clip". Paperclip, really????? That was the perfect word for it, I will explain later. So now what?? I have cancer.  I have decided that much worse then hearing you have cancer, is telling the people you love. My 2nd daughter works just 2 blocks from where I work, and works with a very close friend of mine. I knew they were both anxious to hear, and I needed to get out of my office for a few so I drove over there. It was a surreal conversation, but they handled it well, at least while I was there. On my way back to work I called my dad, then my mom. I felt remarkably okay at this point. Knowing that God is in control, and that He had a plan in this situation I really wasn't all that scared. I think if I was afraid of anything at this point, it was the unknown. I went back to work and somehow made it through the day, although I was very distracted. I knew right away that I was working in the perfect place to go through this. More on that another time. When I got home that night, I had the most difficult task ahead of me.  I had to tell my 9 and 11 year old boys. Up to this point I had not yet shed a tear, even as I explained to the boys in a open, honest yet keep it light way I was doing okay.  Ashleigh, my daughter was there and also holding it together well, until we realized that my 11 year old Gavin truly understood what I was saying. I cry now as I type this remembering the look on his face and his quiet tears. It was heartbreaking. We hugged, cried, prayed, talked and then the jokes started. I am so thankful that my family has such a great sense of humor.   

Well this blog entry was not a smooth one, it was difficult to write I think because it was just such a strange day. There are many things I look forward to sharing with you. Funny things, scary, difficult things. But I felt I needed to get this day out of the way. Please let me know if there are things you are curious about. I would love to answer your questions. 

I am going to start writing about some current happenings, like my upcoming meeting with my surgeon as well as some of the past that has got me this far, like my first appointment with my oncologist. ( I totally fell apart). I usually use a lot more humor, but have been in a bit of a funk the last few days so please pray for me as I endeavor to share my journey, and God's amazing love and grace through it. 

Until next time