Within a few weeks of my breast cancer diagnosis it was decided I would need a double mastectomy. Not something a person wants to hear, but back in April with chemo starting and just wrapping my brain around cancer it didn't seem like that big of a deal. Well, I knew it was a big deal to lose both breasts, but it was all about survival so it was easier to take.
Here it is, six months later and reality is sinking in. I got the call from my surgeon while I was at work yesterday, we have set a date. October 29th. Yikes! That is just 3 weeks away. Due to the heart issue this date depends on me getting cleared from the cardiologist, but I had that appointment this afternoon.. All clear! This is great news, I am looking forward to this time next year being able to put all this behind me, but.........I really need to start praying through Philippians 4:6 now. Be anxious for NOTHING, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving , let your requests be made known to God.
The surgery has me a little nervous, but not to bad. The lymphatic mapping that I have to do the evening before has me pretty freaked out. I wonder if I can take a Xanax before that? But the idea of going to sleep the morning of the 29th and waking up later sans breasts is what I am really trying to process. I will be having reconstruction, so I am told that in 6 to 9 months they will be just like a younger version of myself, so I think I am supposed to be excited. I really am trying to look at the positive side of this and not be a baby, but I don't think I am doing so great at that.
The next 3 weeks I have another appointment with the reconstruction surgeon, chest x-ray, more blood work, another oncology appointment and the restart of Herceptin. I will continue to work, and train the lady that will be filling for the 4 to 6 weeks that I will be out, and preparing for my dad who will be coming to stay with me and help with my boys. These 3 weeks will fly by, and before I know it the day will be here.
Chemotherapy was rough physically, but something tells me I am now going to be heading into a time that will be harder on me emotionally. I am so thankful for the people God has brought into my life to encourage me through this.
I really want to make jokes about this. I was a few months ago, I just can't remember them. Feel free to comment with jokes, I promise it won't offend.
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Monday, October 7, 2013
I should have taken the Xanax
When a person is first diagnosed with cancer there is a short period of time where it feels as if all they do is go from one appointment or test to the next. The first test I was sent to by my surgeon was a breast MRI. Dr. Bremner offered me a prescription for Xanax, but me thinking I was tougher than I really am said no. STUPID!!!
So I show up for my appointment early like they told me to, filled out the ream of paperwork, and was taken back by a friendly young lady to a place to change into a gown, everything off except the panties. I should have asked for a pill then and there. I couldn't figure out how to get the sliding door to line up right to close and lock all the way, so there I was in this little cubicle trying to hold the door closed while I disrobed and put on a gown. When the friendly young lady came back she led me down a hall and into a large room where there was a man she introduced me, who was going to conducting the test. She then led me through the door, and there it was......the tube. I had had MRIs before, but they were seated in an open air contraption. This was the tube I had heard of. Deep breath Dawn, don't freak out. I had been told when the appointment was made that the test would take an hour and ten minutes, and that was told to me again by the friendly young lady. An hour an ten minutes in the tube...deep breath Dawn, don't freak out. I am standing next to the machine barefooted wrapped only in the security of the light gown around me as the friendly young lady is explaining how I am am going to lay face down and put my breast inside the square holes on the bed. Huh? Round peg....square hole...um ok. Deep breath Dawn, don't freak out. About the same time she is telling me to take the gown off and lay down, I notice the window between the room I'm standing in and the one the guy conducting the test is waiting. WHAT?? Did I hear her correctly? Take the gown off?? Deep breath Dawn, DON'T freak out. Poor girl must have seen the sheer panic on my face be she quickly added that once I laid down she would put the gown over me. Well, I showed her, I kept that gown around me laid face down on that crazy contraption and moved the gown in a way to stay covered and still fit the round pegs in the square holes. I felt like a winner, however short lived. At this point the gentleman conducting the tests enters the room to get an I.V. Started in my arm" this is due to the fact they are going to inject a dye toward the end of the test. Deep breath Dawn, don't freak out. He then explains to me how when I feel the dye the test will be over in approximately ten minutes. He took the time to hand me a little squeeze ball and told me it was the panic button. He said only use that ball if absolutely necessary because if I pushed it and they had to pull me out we would have to start the whole thing over. Deep breath GULP. He explained all the sounds and knocking I would hear from the machine, then he said the dumbest thing.... He tells me to only breath shallow. If I take a deep breath it will cause my chest to move and they won't get the pictures they need. So there I am face down with my breasts in the square holes panic button in hand, but determined not to use it breathing shallow. The test begins. I quickly regretted not taking the Xanax that was offered me, heck I should have taken two. I began to pray and sing worship songs in my head. It was really very difficult to breath with my face in the little hole so I figured out a way to use my arms as leverage to lift my face a bit to get some air without moving my chest. Pray, sing, lift face over and over again as time ticked by. I was so very happy when at last I felt the dye go in through the I.V. I only had ten minutes left. After about ten minutes everything went silent, I expected the bed to move out of the tube and the friendly young lady to greet me. Silence still, time went on like that for several minutes. I started to panic a bit, but didn't want to push the button. My time should be done what is going on? My mind started telling crazy things like some emergency happened and they had to evacuate the building, but left me in the tube. I began to lift my face and examine my surroundings as best as I could while keeping the the stupid round pegs in the square holes. I tried to come up with a way to climb out of that tube and not lose the gown that is just draped over me. All of this going through my head, but far to stubborn to push the panic ball. At last, the soothing loud knocking sound of the machine started up again. At least I wasn't alone. Shallow breath Dawn, don't freak out. Pray, sing worship songs, lift face for air. About another 15 minutes this went on until finally it was done. I asked them what happened and was told they had to change the film cartridges. Back down the hall I go to the cubicle at doesn't lock, finally my clothes. I vowed at that moment, if I ever need another MRI I would take the Xanax.
So I show up for my appointment early like they told me to, filled out the ream of paperwork, and was taken back by a friendly young lady to a place to change into a gown, everything off except the panties. I should have asked for a pill then and there. I couldn't figure out how to get the sliding door to line up right to close and lock all the way, so there I was in this little cubicle trying to hold the door closed while I disrobed and put on a gown. When the friendly young lady came back she led me down a hall and into a large room where there was a man she introduced me, who was going to conducting the test. She then led me through the door, and there it was......the tube. I had had MRIs before, but they were seated in an open air contraption. This was the tube I had heard of. Deep breath Dawn, don't freak out. I had been told when the appointment was made that the test would take an hour and ten minutes, and that was told to me again by the friendly young lady. An hour an ten minutes in the tube...deep breath Dawn, don't freak out. I am standing next to the machine barefooted wrapped only in the security of the light gown around me as the friendly young lady is explaining how I am am going to lay face down and put my breast inside the square holes on the bed. Huh? Round peg....square hole...um ok. Deep breath Dawn, don't freak out. About the same time she is telling me to take the gown off and lay down, I notice the window between the room I'm standing in and the one the guy conducting the test is waiting. WHAT?? Did I hear her correctly? Take the gown off?? Deep breath Dawn, DON'T freak out. Poor girl must have seen the sheer panic on my face be she quickly added that once I laid down she would put the gown over me. Well, I showed her, I kept that gown around me laid face down on that crazy contraption and moved the gown in a way to stay covered and still fit the round pegs in the square holes. I felt like a winner, however short lived. At this point the gentleman conducting the tests enters the room to get an I.V. Started in my arm" this is due to the fact they are going to inject a dye toward the end of the test. Deep breath Dawn, don't freak out. He then explains to me how when I feel the dye the test will be over in approximately ten minutes. He took the time to hand me a little squeeze ball and told me it was the panic button. He said only use that ball if absolutely necessary because if I pushed it and they had to pull me out we would have to start the whole thing over. Deep breath GULP. He explained all the sounds and knocking I would hear from the machine, then he said the dumbest thing.... He tells me to only breath shallow. If I take a deep breath it will cause my chest to move and they won't get the pictures they need. So there I am face down with my breasts in the square holes panic button in hand, but determined not to use it breathing shallow. The test begins. I quickly regretted not taking the Xanax that was offered me, heck I should have taken two. I began to pray and sing worship songs in my head. It was really very difficult to breath with my face in the little hole so I figured out a way to use my arms as leverage to lift my face a bit to get some air without moving my chest. Pray, sing, lift face over and over again as time ticked by. I was so very happy when at last I felt the dye go in through the I.V. I only had ten minutes left. After about ten minutes everything went silent, I expected the bed to move out of the tube and the friendly young lady to greet me. Silence still, time went on like that for several minutes. I started to panic a bit, but didn't want to push the button. My time should be done what is going on? My mind started telling crazy things like some emergency happened and they had to evacuate the building, but left me in the tube. I began to lift my face and examine my surroundings as best as I could while keeping the the stupid round pegs in the square holes. I tried to come up with a way to climb out of that tube and not lose the gown that is just draped over me. All of this going through my head, but far to stubborn to push the panic ball. At last, the soothing loud knocking sound of the machine started up again. At least I wasn't alone. Shallow breath Dawn, don't freak out. Pray, sing worship songs, lift face for air. About another 15 minutes this went on until finally it was done. I asked them what happened and was told they had to change the film cartridges. Back down the hall I go to the cubicle at doesn't lock, finally my clothes. I vowed at that moment, if I ever need another MRI I would take the Xanax.
Sunday, October 6, 2013
The Red Carpet
March 25, 2013 I was diagnosed with a very aggressive form of breast cancer. April 5th I had the first of what would be 16 chemo treatments over 6 months. The almost 2 weeks in between was an incredible whirlwind of blood test tests, MRIs, brain and bone scans, Dr. Appointments, and chemo education. I know it may seem strange, but it was actually a relief when I started chemo, because things slowed down a bit. There are some great stories from that time, some funny, some scary, and some educational. I will come back to those in future. What I would like to share with today is something that I have been in awe of from the very beginning of this journey.
Yes, God allowed for me to get cancer. However, the way God went before me in preparing me, and my surroundings for this particular trial is amazing, and humbling. Now, I know many of my friends that may be reading this do not share in the same belief and faith in God as I do. I know many believe in Karma, and coincidence. I also understand how some of my friends and family can sometimes be angry at the fact that I have have been thankful in this situation, as it really truly does not not make sense to you. I don't believe in karma, or coincidence. What I do believe in is the God of the bible, who has promised to never leave me or forsake me. And, in this particular situation took His time, and several other trials to uniquely prepare me for this cancer journey.
People have told me from the beginning of the journey how strong I am, how we'll I am handling it, and many other things. I do appreciate that encouragement, but I want you all to know it is only by God's grace and provision, I am not curled up in a corner most days. 10 years ago I was a very different person. Strong willed, independent, stubborn.... Some would say I still am, and they are right because I don't believe our basic personality changes. However, over the years God has allowed a variety of trials and tribulations that have worked on my character. Years ago, when I was married to a Marine that deployed a lot I got used to raising my two children on my own. My husband got out of the military and went into law enforcement, we had two more children. I thought I had it all together. I was involved in ministry at my church, homeschooled my 2 oldest, and from the outside seemed to have a good life, even to me. However, I had some serious character flaws. I look back now and see a woman who lacked compassion (unless I thought someone deserved it), a woman who
thought could solve the problems of those around me if they would just do things my way, and so many other flaws...biggest problem of all was that I somehow felt I could handle problems on my own, Ugh! Without going into the details, when my children were 13, 11, 2, and 6 months I found myself in a position of asking my husband to leave. I loved him very much, and it was a brutal decision as I believed then and still believe now that God hates divorce. At the time I was not working, but had to get my kids back into school and fine a job. This was the beginning of a new chapter, and a whole lot of change. Over the next several years there were many challenges personally, and financially. In Romans 5 we learn to glory in our tribulations , knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character, and character, hope. This is all of God and I am so very thankful for those trials and the lessons I learned in them. A few of the lessons I learned are that God Often Gives us MORE than we can handle, but NEVER more than He can handle. Strong willed, independent, stubborn me could have never navigated those rough years without my God guiding me. I would have pushed my loved ones away, and left church out of embarrassment. Thankfully God had moved me to a church with Pastors who faithfully prayed for me, and would use God's word to council me. Through circumstances, God took me from a place of not ever wanting to ask for help to a place where I was willing to accept help that was offered and through even more trials, finally to a point where I will ask for help when I need it. (I'm a little slow with several of these lessons). Along the way I have made many mistakes, and faced and equal amount of consequences, but through it all God lovingly taught me lessons of humility, gratitude, and reliance on Him. In His way, and in His time teaching me the lessons I would need to face cancer.
God not only taught me lessons, but as I named this entry, He rolled out the red carpet in preparation for me. During these life changing years God taught me how to relate better to women, allowing them into my life as close, personal friends. God provided an interesting assortment of jobs that got me involved in the community, chambers of commerce, and allowed me to get to a lot of really amazing people and business owners. In the year leading up to my diagnosis I left a job with ought having another one lined up. I enjoyed most of the work, and liked the people I worked with, but I didn't care for the sales aspect of the job, and frankly as good as I was at the customer service aspect, I was equally bad or uncomfortable with the sales aspect, and my boss deserved someone that would sell. . Again, I don't believe in coincidence. I went to work for a friend, and although I enjoyed what I was doing, his business at the time was not able to support my financial needs or provide insurance. I went about 9 months of nothing stable, and one morning at a Murrieta Chamber Power Partners, I put the word out I needed work. A friendly acquaintance at I was on the ambassador committee with came up to me and said her company had a temp position for filing available if I was interested. Hey 6 weeks of work and being able to feed my family was way better than not so of course I said yes.that
That was a year ago this month. The job became a BIG, busy job where I have a hard time finding the time to file. With this job God provided so much more for me than employment. I am working with mostly men, who welcomed me like a sister, or Aunt. My boss is one of the most compassionate people I have ever met. What is really cool....I became eligible for and accepted medical benefits on February 1st. Just in time. :). I have been afforded the opportunity to occasionally work from home, and as much as I loved networking in the community, this new position allowed for me the safety and security of a desk job, that was not as physically demanding. During my job search I kept getting turned down for jobs that I knew I could do. Turned down from places at I had friends recommending for. I didn't understand then why God was not allowing for me to work at any of those places, but He was preparing the perfect position, at the perfect place, at just the right time. I may no longer be networking in the community, but through the years of building those relationships God provided me an amazing support group and cheering section. The gifts, notes of encouragement, and outpouring of love have been a valuable source encouragement. God also prepared my church in a unique way to help me through this. I have amazing friends, and sisters in Christ that have gone to doctor appointments with me, taken over leading a small group for me, and God even provided a friend who has been willing to fill in for me at work when I am not able, who will work in my stead while I am out for surgery, holding my position for my return. God has provided for the details" large and small. I am in AWE, and so very grateful. There have been days, weeks that have been hard. Times when I cry out to God for His comfort and strength. There is no way around the fact that Cancer Sucks. However, Matthew 6 tells the story of how much God cares for the birds of the air and how much more he cares for and will provide for me. I have a long road still to go with another 6 months of I.V. Meds, a major surgery and 6 to 9 months of reconstruction. There are times I feel overwhelmed and anxious. I am so thankful for Hebrews 13:5b,6 be content with such things as you have. For He Himself has said, " I will never leave you nor forsake you." So we may boldly say:"The Lord is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?"
With a God who has proven Himself faithful over and over. A God who has provided so much for me. A God who loves me enough to allow me direct access to His comfort, I have nothing to fear. I am truly blessed .
Yes, God allowed for me to get cancer. However, the way God went before me in preparing me, and my surroundings for this particular trial is amazing, and humbling. Now, I know many of my friends that may be reading this do not share in the same belief and faith in God as I do. I know many believe in Karma, and coincidence. I also understand how some of my friends and family can sometimes be angry at the fact that I have have been thankful in this situation, as it really truly does not not make sense to you. I don't believe in karma, or coincidence. What I do believe in is the God of the bible, who has promised to never leave me or forsake me. And, in this particular situation took His time, and several other trials to uniquely prepare me for this cancer journey.
People have told me from the beginning of the journey how strong I am, how we'll I am handling it, and many other things. I do appreciate that encouragement, but I want you all to know it is only by God's grace and provision, I am not curled up in a corner most days. 10 years ago I was a very different person. Strong willed, independent, stubborn.... Some would say I still am, and they are right because I don't believe our basic personality changes. However, over the years God has allowed a variety of trials and tribulations that have worked on my character. Years ago, when I was married to a Marine that deployed a lot I got used to raising my two children on my own. My husband got out of the military and went into law enforcement, we had two more children. I thought I had it all together. I was involved in ministry at my church, homeschooled my 2 oldest, and from the outside seemed to have a good life, even to me. However, I had some serious character flaws. I look back now and see a woman who lacked compassion (unless I thought someone deserved it), a woman who
thought could solve the problems of those around me if they would just do things my way, and so many other flaws...biggest problem of all was that I somehow felt I could handle problems on my own, Ugh! Without going into the details, when my children were 13, 11, 2, and 6 months I found myself in a position of asking my husband to leave. I loved him very much, and it was a brutal decision as I believed then and still believe now that God hates divorce. At the time I was not working, but had to get my kids back into school and fine a job. This was the beginning of a new chapter, and a whole lot of change. Over the next several years there were many challenges personally, and financially. In Romans 5 we learn to glory in our tribulations , knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character, and character, hope. This is all of God and I am so very thankful for those trials and the lessons I learned in them. A few of the lessons I learned are that God Often Gives us MORE than we can handle, but NEVER more than He can handle. Strong willed, independent, stubborn me could have never navigated those rough years without my God guiding me. I would have pushed my loved ones away, and left church out of embarrassment. Thankfully God had moved me to a church with Pastors who faithfully prayed for me, and would use God's word to council me. Through circumstances, God took me from a place of not ever wanting to ask for help to a place where I was willing to accept help that was offered and through even more trials, finally to a point where I will ask for help when I need it. (I'm a little slow with several of these lessons). Along the way I have made many mistakes, and faced and equal amount of consequences, but through it all God lovingly taught me lessons of humility, gratitude, and reliance on Him. In His way, and in His time teaching me the lessons I would need to face cancer.
God not only taught me lessons, but as I named this entry, He rolled out the red carpet in preparation for me. During these life changing years God taught me how to relate better to women, allowing them into my life as close, personal friends. God provided an interesting assortment of jobs that got me involved in the community, chambers of commerce, and allowed me to get to a lot of really amazing people and business owners. In the year leading up to my diagnosis I left a job with ought having another one lined up. I enjoyed most of the work, and liked the people I worked with, but I didn't care for the sales aspect of the job, and frankly as good as I was at the customer service aspect, I was equally bad or uncomfortable with the sales aspect, and my boss deserved someone that would sell. . Again, I don't believe in coincidence. I went to work for a friend, and although I enjoyed what I was doing, his business at the time was not able to support my financial needs or provide insurance. I went about 9 months of nothing stable, and one morning at a Murrieta Chamber Power Partners, I put the word out I needed work. A friendly acquaintance at I was on the ambassador committee with came up to me and said her company had a temp position for filing available if I was interested. Hey 6 weeks of work and being able to feed my family was way better than not so of course I said yes.that
That was a year ago this month. The job became a BIG, busy job where I have a hard time finding the time to file. With this job God provided so much more for me than employment. I am working with mostly men, who welcomed me like a sister, or Aunt. My boss is one of the most compassionate people I have ever met. What is really cool....I became eligible for and accepted medical benefits on February 1st. Just in time. :). I have been afforded the opportunity to occasionally work from home, and as much as I loved networking in the community, this new position allowed for me the safety and security of a desk job, that was not as physically demanding. During my job search I kept getting turned down for jobs that I knew I could do. Turned down from places at I had friends recommending for. I didn't understand then why God was not allowing for me to work at any of those places, but He was preparing the perfect position, at the perfect place, at just the right time. I may no longer be networking in the community, but through the years of building those relationships God provided me an amazing support group and cheering section. The gifts, notes of encouragement, and outpouring of love have been a valuable source encouragement. God also prepared my church in a unique way to help me through this. I have amazing friends, and sisters in Christ that have gone to doctor appointments with me, taken over leading a small group for me, and God even provided a friend who has been willing to fill in for me at work when I am not able, who will work in my stead while I am out for surgery, holding my position for my return. God has provided for the details" large and small. I am in AWE, and so very grateful. There have been days, weeks that have been hard. Times when I cry out to God for His comfort and strength. There is no way around the fact that Cancer Sucks. However, Matthew 6 tells the story of how much God cares for the birds of the air and how much more he cares for and will provide for me. I have a long road still to go with another 6 months of I.V. Meds, a major surgery and 6 to 9 months of reconstruction. There are times I feel overwhelmed and anxious. I am so thankful for Hebrews 13:5b,6 be content with such things as you have. For He Himself has said, " I will never leave you nor forsake you." So we may boldly say:"The Lord is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?"
With a God who has proven Himself faithful over and over. A God who has provided so much for me. A God who loves me enough to allow me direct access to His comfort, I have nothing to fear. I am truly blessed .
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